Let's Talk About Sex Baby...

Now that the Mary Winkler trial is about a week in the rear view mirror, I want to discuss a little of what went on there. Obviously, our perspective is very limited. We only know what the media reported from what the lawyers presented. It seems obvious though that something significantly sad was occurring. The marriage had some severe problems. Many of those problems were sexual, based on what we've heard.
First of all, it seems Mr. Winkler had some sort of textual appetites that were a little less than Christian. Like many men (dare I say most?) in the Church the lure of pornography had creeped its way into his life. No doubt this is true of many more preachers who keep that secret in their sock drawers or on their hard drives. Pornographic material is a serious cancer in the Lord's body today. Apparently, it led him to ask for and engage in behavior with which his wife was not alright. This shows a lack of love and understanding for her.
On the other side, it seems that she had a particularly strict view of sexuality and wifely submission. I don't know (nor want to know) what Mr. Winkler wanted to do in bed. The characterization of Mrs. Winkler, however, seems to suggest that she might have been a little more prudish than the average wife. Again this is all conjecture. What seems a little more clear is that the submissive attitudes of the family seemed to fit a patriarchal, oppressive model. She felt that she was incapable of being heard or disagreeing with whatever her husband wanted.
Why do I mention all of this? I think we need to start talking about sex more in church. Christians have sex and enjoy it. Certainly, some of them even enjoy being innovative in the ways that they go about it, within the context of marriage. Why do we feel the need to make it unspeakable? Furthermore, why must Christians approach it in a Victorian, proper, tea and biscuits while watching cricket sort of way? I don't want play by plays on Sunday morning of what the Smiths do on Saturday nights, but I can't see why its so hush-hush. Maybe if our children were allowed to learn about sexuality and its affect on relationships things would be better. Maybe less boys would get hooked on porn. Maybe if we taught engaged couples about how to discuss sexual activity and how to loving and respectively explore sexual activity we wouldn't have domineering husbands demanding activities that sheepish wives detest but can't say no to. And is there no place for counseling and sharing bedroom struggles in Christian contexts? I can't help but wonder if her murder trial was the first time that Mary Winkler ever talked about her sex life with anyone but her husband.
I also have another disturbing, but important question. How did the ancients teach their children about sex? I can't help but wonder if sex within the family was far more open in the ancient world. If you live in a two or three room mud hut how much privacy can parents get? When and how do you think Jesus was introduced to sexuality? You want to see Christians squirm? Just ask them about anything that requires them to understand Jesus as a sexual being in his time as a human.
The way I feel that the Church approaches sex tends to make it a shameful thing. Your parents do it, but they don't want you to know they do. Its in the Bible, but we'll gloss it over with euphemisms. Teen classes my discuss NOT doing it, but any mechanics we largely leave to fifth grade health classes.
Now all this said, I have no interest in discussing anything personal with you nor do I want you asking my wife about our relationship. I am part of the problem, and am not real interested in becoming part of the solution, at least if it requires my own activities to become public.
I don't have answers on how to approach everything. Maybe it needs to start with how we deal with kids. Is it possible that telling children about their "wee-wees" and "mommy and daddy things" need to become discussions of penises (is that the plural?) and sex. "But if I told my child that he might say something in public!" Oh no! Then the world would know that you are trying to teach our kids about a fundamental part of humanity in a responsible way at an early age. At the very least we need to be able to show our children that it is healthy, normal, and godly. Otherwise I fear that the sin and shame that those natural desires turn into can spiral into the marital chaos that is too familiar in our churches.

The Stepford Church

This may be the dumbest thing that a youth minister has ever done. Rev. Melody Taylor of the Germantown Unite Methodist Church has been running a 44 hour lock in. For years. For an article see here:
http://www.commercialappeal.com/mca/faith_and_values/article/0,2845,M
CA_25342_5483156,00.html
I can't imagine. I've done about 12 hours before, and I was ready to die. This is like 4 of those in a row. I worked with a guy who had a tee-shirt that adequately sum up my feelings: "Lock Ins are of the Devil."
I guess it has been working well for Melody, but I've never seen much out of a lock in. Sure, the teens like them, but they are murder. The planning is difficult. The lack of sleep kills you for the next several days. Then there are all of the safety concerns and the need to make sure that couples are leaving room for the Holy Spirit in whatever dark crevice of the church building they find for making out. I may sound a little over cynical, but teens have actually died in these things. Well, at least that is what Stockstill told us at HU when suggesting that we really need to be "locked in" and not capable in getting out, jumping in a car, and getting in a fatal car accident.
I just can't help but wonder how much spiritual growth can happen when everyone is in hour 36 of a lock in. I also can't help but wonder how much spiritual growth happens in youth ministry at all. The cynic in me is rather strong this morning, so read on only if you can handle it.
Listening to the responses of the teens in the articles I couldn't help but feel like this was a press release. One of the really phony ones. It seemed just too happy and ideal. The teens experienced "wacky games, rockin' Christian music, yummy food, hilarious skits, creative worship, and a party on Saturday night." One teen responded "It's great to be able to fellowship with church members in an exciting environment." I'm sorry, but that sounds like some of the college recruitment stuff that I used to receive where the college looked like a place where students hugged each other and broke out in devotional songs at an given moment in a field of freshly popped flowers. I can't help but feel like I'm being sold something, and that something is not being sold honestly. What teen, that hasn't been taught "church speak," actually says something like that?
If I were a teen that didn't go to church, I can't help but think, "No thanks." It just seems to fake. It stinks of brain washing.
Right below that article was a short interview with a Church of Christ preacher. I couldn't help but think that he might be one who regularly attends "Firm Foundation" lectureships and went to school at the Memphis School of Preaching. I'll let you decide what that means. His answers just seemed really canned. It was like he was on a 60's game show explaining who life as a minister is "really keen."
Randy Harris has suggested that we have a "disgustingly wholesome church." (That was in the title of a sermon I once heard him give, though the wording may be a little off.) I think that it is true. People don't see human beings when they think of church. By reading the Commercial Appeal in Memphis, they get an image of people who like preachers that live in the last 50 years and have kids that can't get enough "fellowship."
Not only do we look fake, but how real is what we give people? The kids this lock in have learned that "God is love" and "I can do all things through Christ." If that is so, why doesn't a woman dying of breast cancer just get rid of it. Somehow when that faithful woman dies God doesn't seem very loving or omnipotent. Surely these teens will learn this, and there is a place for teaching basic Christian ideals. But can't teens understand loss and death by 14 or 15? Why do we feed them truth melted down into sayings that will fit on bracelets and key chains?
The front page of the paper had Mary Winkler's trial and a big headline "My Ugly Came Out." Surely, the death of a minister, his wife's guilt, and the apparent family issues involved give the church (particularly churches of Christ) a black eye. That is ugly and hurts the kingdom. But I'm not sure that we aren't also hurting the kingdom with the Faith and Family section of the newspaper. To the world we look like robots. I am always amazed at the people that get a shocked look when a seminary student tells a sex joke or a preacher describes something as "Hell." We want our preachers to be inhuman. I don't think that is what the world wants.
Most people don't want to be what they imagine Christians as. At the very least they feel that they can't. They don't have a three piece suit, 2.5 children, a minivan, and a Jesus fish on their AIM profile. They certainly don't look forward to "fellowship," whatever that is. They want someone to be incarnate with them. I fear all that they see is a church of androids.
Disclaimer: This blog describes my gut feeling when reading the paper. I don't actually know Melody Taylor, her church, her lock in, the other guy in the paper, or the Winkler family. For all I know, everything that I have said above is totally wrong. I hope that this youth thing really is changing lives and I obviously have no right to judge the heart of any of the individuals involved. Similarly, I don't now where that preacher went to school, what he believes, or if he is an interesting person or not. For all I know he is a flaming liberal that likes to go ballroom dancing in shiny outfits. I do stand by the idea that no matter how much good and Godly things are occurring, the articles still make Christianity look like something very fake, hokey, and campy to those not in a Christian community and many within a Christian community.