Let's Talk About Sex Baby...

Now that the Mary Winkler trial is about a week in the rear view mirror, I want to discuss a little of what went on there. Obviously, our perspective is very limited. We only know what the media reported from what the lawyers presented. It seems obvious though that something significantly sad was occurring. The marriage had some severe problems. Many of those problems were sexual, based on what we've heard.
First of all, it seems Mr. Winkler had some sort of textual appetites that were a little less than Christian. Like many men (dare I say most?) in the Church the lure of pornography had creeped its way into his life. No doubt this is true of many more preachers who keep that secret in their sock drawers or on their hard drives. Pornographic material is a serious cancer in the Lord's body today. Apparently, it led him to ask for and engage in behavior with which his wife was not alright. This shows a lack of love and understanding for her.
On the other side, it seems that she had a particularly strict view of sexuality and wifely submission. I don't know (nor want to know) what Mr. Winkler wanted to do in bed. The characterization of Mrs. Winkler, however, seems to suggest that she might have been a little more prudish than the average wife. Again this is all conjecture. What seems a little more clear is that the submissive attitudes of the family seemed to fit a patriarchal, oppressive model. She felt that she was incapable of being heard or disagreeing with whatever her husband wanted.
Why do I mention all of this? I think we need to start talking about sex more in church. Christians have sex and enjoy it. Certainly, some of them even enjoy being innovative in the ways that they go about it, within the context of marriage. Why do we feel the need to make it unspeakable? Furthermore, why must Christians approach it in a Victorian, proper, tea and biscuits while watching cricket sort of way? I don't want play by plays on Sunday morning of what the Smiths do on Saturday nights, but I can't see why its so hush-hush. Maybe if our children were allowed to learn about sexuality and its affect on relationships things would be better. Maybe less boys would get hooked on porn. Maybe if we taught engaged couples about how to discuss sexual activity and how to loving and respectively explore sexual activity we wouldn't have domineering husbands demanding activities that sheepish wives detest but can't say no to. And is there no place for counseling and sharing bedroom struggles in Christian contexts? I can't help but wonder if her murder trial was the first time that Mary Winkler ever talked about her sex life with anyone but her husband.
I also have another disturbing, but important question. How did the ancients teach their children about sex? I can't help but wonder if sex within the family was far more open in the ancient world. If you live in a two or three room mud hut how much privacy can parents get? When and how do you think Jesus was introduced to sexuality? You want to see Christians squirm? Just ask them about anything that requires them to understand Jesus as a sexual being in his time as a human.
The way I feel that the Church approaches sex tends to make it a shameful thing. Your parents do it, but they don't want you to know they do. Its in the Bible, but we'll gloss it over with euphemisms. Teen classes my discuss NOT doing it, but any mechanics we largely leave to fifth grade health classes.
Now all this said, I have no interest in discussing anything personal with you nor do I want you asking my wife about our relationship. I am part of the problem, and am not real interested in becoming part of the solution, at least if it requires my own activities to become public.
I don't have answers on how to approach everything. Maybe it needs to start with how we deal with kids. Is it possible that telling children about their "wee-wees" and "mommy and daddy things" need to become discussions of penises (is that the plural?) and sex. "But if I told my child that he might say something in public!" Oh no! Then the world would know that you are trying to teach our kids about a fundamental part of humanity in a responsible way at an early age. At the very least we need to be able to show our children that it is healthy, normal, and godly. Otherwise I fear that the sin and shame that those natural desires turn into can spiral into the marital chaos that is too familiar in our churches.