Call Me Atticus

Today I was hit with an egg. I was blessed (in a way) by getting pegged with a hard egg, so it smarted some, but it didn't break all over me. It still left me really mad. Fran and I have been hit by water balloons in the past and that really makes me angry. I get very scared about Fran being in danger. I just freak out.
I never know how to react. From time to time I think about carrying around rocks, baseballs, or balloons filled up with paint. If those idiots met my wrath just once they wouldn't do stupid crap like hitting people with eggs. Another part of me wants to trail them in my car and get their license plate number or slash their tires. Anything to get back. But alas, I don't have the guts to do any of that.
In reality, I don't want to do those things. Over my college years I have developed into quite a little passivist, and I don't believe in fighting back. However, it is hard when you are sitting there with an egg bruise. Maybe I just don't have enough courage to step up against those who abuse me.
I know that I am not a courageous person. That really doesn't bother me. Some might find it ironic that Caleb means courageous, and I'm not. However, Caleb actually means dog in Hebrew. A more fitting title given my tendency to run away with my tail in between my legs. I am a coward in many ways. I hate bugs and snakes. I have anxiety over doctors and calling people on the phone. In general I consider the likelihood of dying while engaging in an activity before I actually engage in that activity. Others see adventures, I see useless risk. Never would I join the military or go backbacking across Europe. I enjoy a nice little house and peace and quiet.
Sometimes I feel like I should be more courageous. Going through "Struggles of the Faith Week" in chapel, or "Roll in the Mud Week" as I like to call it, I realized that I couldn't survive a lot of the things that those people went through. Last night I watched The Lion the Witch and the Waredrobe. I love how those kids come of age. Watching Peter scream "For Narnia, and for Aslan" as he charges, I think about Lewis' writings in general. He spends quite a bit of time talking about cowardice as a vice and the general attitude he had towards WWII. I find it disconcerting.
Why do we need to be so brave anyway? Jesus didn't seem all that brave in the Garden. Then again, we cowards tend to remember the Garden but not the resolute march to Calvary the next day. Still, isn't it some sort of macho, chauvenistic, antiquated thing to say "Be a brave man! Show some courage! Don't be afraid!" are the feminists right about the Bible? How much should I take to heart God's pep talks in the beginning of Joshua? Maybe those passages portraying men as the ones who need to buck up and fight on are just cultural reflections, not divine ones.
Yet I know that I am fooling myself. There is something in me that knows that it is good and holy to be courageous. Courage displays some kind of boldness and secureness that shows how real your faith is. If you can be brave in the face of certain disaster, it shows you believe God's promises.
Martin Luther King comes to mind. Think about the constant fear he would be in. Everyone wants to kill you and hurt your family. But still he gets up and speaks the truth. I may not buy the image of a nineteen year old strapping on an M16 and going over to the Middle East and dying for a misguided war, but I do understand King standing on that hotel balcony. That is a courage I can appreciate.
Courage is about doing the right thing at the right time, even when it is hard. Sometimes that means war (Joshua, Peter in Narnia). Sometimes that means saying no to war! When I hold my temper and not engage those idiots with the eggs, I guess I am doing the courageous thing by doing the weak looking thing. Sometimes the greatest sign of courage is the willingness to be meek.
I know that I will never be John Wayne. Frankly, I don't think God needs or wants a lot of John Wayne's. We do need, however, a lot of Jimmy Stewarts and Gregory Pecks. We need people who will do the right thing at the right time. That will look different in different circumstances. Each moment we are faced with the choice to do the right thing or the wrong thing. Sometimes facing Satan and ourselves is all the courage we need to have.